Cosmic Love
by oxytocin
Summary: In which Jim spends a lot of time thinking and not enough time noticing the obvious, but works it out in the end. "The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out, you left me in the dark." Kirk/Spock
1. A Falling Star

It begins with a distant humming in his ears and turns into a something nudging the edges of his brain. Every time he takes a breath his exhale is shaky and his fingernails dig into the cloth on his pillow. He can't close his eyes. It's also that feeling like you're being held in place by something, where you don't feel heavy but it's too difficult to move.

Jim blinks slowly, unable to tear his gaze away from the ceiling of his cabin. His pushes his mind into wondering about the useless in an attempt to find sleep, thinking that pondering over something like _who designed the rooms for this ship anyways_ would be boring enough that his eyes would start to droop. But no luck.

The feeling is back, the one that's biting at his skull and not letting him sleep. The one that he can't even begin to identify. This has never happened to him, Jim's never found himself lying awake in bed late one night, trying to push away an emotion that his body doesn't understand. He's never been the type to dwell over his feelings, but it's hard not to when they're so strong you want to throw up.

Jim doesn't want to understand what's creeping up on him, he wants to sleep. He really just wants to sleep.

Jim wonders if anyone else on the ship is having trouble falling asleep. He idly wonders if people like Scotty are still awake, burning the midnight oil and then will complain tomorrow how there aren't enough hours in the day. That surge of pride that fills his chest spreads throughout him, he can't avoid it whenever he thinks about his crew. How could anyone, with a crew like his?

He allows his mind to run over everyone, thinking about the past few days. His eyes still won't close but the rest of his body is beginning to relax.

He thinks about Uhura and how insanely beautiful and confident she is, but also unbelievable terrifying at times - she honestly scares Jim to some extent. He thinks about Bones and how he knows exactly the right things to say to get Bones riled up, and it's one of his favourite things to do, fall back into a good conversation with his best friend. He thinks about Sulu and Chekov and how brave and brilliant they are, how everyone on this crew really is, and Jim is now beginning to feel his eyes droop.

But once his mind reaches Spock, Jim's fingers twist around the edge of his blanket and his face flushes. Jim quickly tries to move past the image of Spock that's now filling the entirety of his mind, but to no avail. He tries to go back to the pleasantly calm thoughts from before, but now he can only see Spock and the curve of his neck, and Jim's stomach curls in knots.

This frustrates Jim, because recently every time he _sees_, _talks to_, or even _thinks_ about Spock there's this weird feeling in his chest and throat, and Jim's inital reaction is panic, because he has no clue what's going on. He has no freaking idea why even the barest thought of Spock makes his body do strange things like trip over stuff or his mind blanks out.

Jim bites down on his lip and just forces his eyes shut. He just wants to sleep, that's all he wants right now. He wants to shut everything down and out and not feel anxious and uncertain.

When he lets his mind go, the first place it goes to is Spock. Jim sighs into his pillow and tries to relax, letting go of everything and just not caring at this point.

He lies there for several moments, and his mind lingers for a second on what it felt like when Spock's shoulder brushed his earlier that day, and then he finally drifts off.

The first thing Jim sees is white. Everything is bright and then it all fades away, forming into a pale apartment room. He blinks and when he breathes even the air is crisp, just as spotless as the room is. He looks around and notices that it _does_ look lived in though, there's a pair of shoes tossed about the floor and a book left open on the couch next to the balcony. There's a cup of something out on the kitchen table, and Jim thinks he hears someone moving in the other room.

He scans over the titles on the bookshelf, and recognises a few of his favourite books. There are also a handful in a language he doesn't understand. A language that seems really familiar.

Jim experiences that moment where you realise you're dreaming and everything becomes completely lucid. Instead of waking up, he feels a pair of strong arms slide around his waist, pulling him tight. Jim knows who it is and he's frozen, unable to move as Spock's hands move up and down his back, and Spock's lips brush against the line of his jaw. Jim knows he's dreaming and he knows this _means_ something, but at that moment he's finally overcome with the strong desire to know what it would feel like to kiss Spock back. So he does.

And he wakes up.

Jim immediately reaches over for something next to his bed, something to grip so he can bring himself out of what he just experienced. His heart is pounding and his lips are tingling and his mind...his mind is positively _reeling_.

It takes a few minutes of trying to slow his breathing down until Jim notices he did manage to get at least a few hours of sleep. He squeezes his eyes close, but when he's just met with the image of Spock's face underneath his, he quickly gets dressed and leaves his cabin.

Jim walks, listening to the way his feet softly pad on the floor. He walks without aim, and as a result, ends up at an end of the ship rarely visited. There's a few chairs and a small table next to a large window that looks out into space. As Jim sits, he looks out the window and sucks in a breath of cool air, his eyes peering into the deep expanse of the universe.

Jim decides space is another one of those things that you can stare into for forever, searching for answers - only to uncover even more questions. It's a little melodramatic, but Jim's really feeling the same way about himself right now.

He looks down at his hands. The sensation's back, settling in his chest and making it hard to breathe. He doesn't want to name it, recognise it, or call it out. He honestly would like it to go away, but as he leans back and sighs, Jim knows he's gotten himself wrapped up in some tangled mess with his emotions that's going to be really hard to undo.

He hears light footsteps coming down the hall and of course, it's Spock. Jim's hand clenches the arm of the chair and he sees he's caught Spock momentarily by surprise, but the Vulcan quickly regains his usual composure. He comes closer, pausing at the edge of Jim's chair, peering down at Jim and asking, "Captain...it is unusual for you to be awake this early."

Jim decides to answer the question in that statement. "Didn't get a lot of sleep." He answers bluntly, too fried for even a joke. "Thought it would just be better if I got up."

Spock eyes him and Jim shifts uncomfortably in his chair. He's aware of how hot his cheeks are growing under Spock's gaze and wonders what Spock thinks of it.

Jim now spends a lot of time wondering what Spock thinks.

To Jim's surprise, Spock sits in the chair next to him, lightly intertwining his fingers and studying Jim. "Anything you wish to discuss, Captain?"

Jim wants to shrug away from the attention. He doesn't want Spock to have any inkling of the twisting feelings in his chest, or the way his bottom lip is raw from how he chews on it in worry.

Jim flushes at the thought of lips, because it brings him back to his dream, and Jim closes his eyes and wishes the floor would engulf him or something.

He jumps a little when he feels Spock lean close to him and his eyes fly open. Spock looks at him, concern obvious in his eyes.

Jim likes the way the shadows from the window fall across Spock's face and the way Spock's eyes reflect the dim lighting of the hallways.

Jim likes it a little too much.

He quickly slides out of the chair, standing up and retreating away. Spock's gaze follows him and Jim bumps into the edge of the chair. He manages to mumble out something like "I'm just tired" before taking off down the hall.

Jim's pace slows when he feels like he's a good distance away from Spock. Even if he can only put a physical distance between them, because every time he blinks Spock is everywhere, burned into the backs of his eyelids.

Jim thinks he's beginning to figure out what that feeling curling in his chest is.

* * *

Hey! I finally got this fic up. haha

It only took a year from having the idea until now...

Even though this chapter's short, I'm hoping the next ones will be longer. There's more going on than in this one...so they should be. lol

The fic's inspired by the song Cosmic Love by Florence + the Machine, which is also the song that really exemplifies Spork for me.

There's going to be five chapters! I want to finish it this week, so bug me so I don't get lazy. keke


	2. The Stars, The Moon

_"Captain...Captain..."_

Someone's voice fades in and out of Jim's ear. He jerks, looking up to see Uhura glancing at him, almost with concern.

Jim blinks and notices it's unusually silent on the Bridge and people are glancing at him curiously. He sheepishly flashes her a half-hearted smile. "Sorry, Lieutenant. You were saying?"

It's been like this for the past week or so, since that early morning with Spock. Now Jim can't think of anything else, or anyone else, and it's starting to get under his skin how much he can't _not_ think about Spock. Or how much he can't not obsess over how he feels about his friend.

Sometimes Jim will get hysteric and his chest will tighten because he can't believe this is happening to him, of all people. Love had never been an issue for him, but maybe that's just it. Now that Jim is aware of how he feels about Spock, he's not sure if he ever has actually been in love.

Jim sees the looks the rest of the crew give him when his mind drifts off and he sees that he's beginning to fall into a place where he really doesn't want to be, where, as a Captain, he can't be. But it's hard, with the ache in his chest that never really goes away.

He thinks he's being absolutely ridiculous, because now he can't even look Spock in the eye, let alone run a ship with him. But how was he to know this was going to happen to him, that he would end up with his palms sweaty and face red every time his first officer looked at him or said Jim's name? How was he to prevent somehow completely falling for Spock in a way that he doesn't fully understand?

Jim also feels a sharp stab of guilt whenever Spock looks over at him and Jim sees the brief flash of worry in his eyes. He knows it's not actually Spock's fault that he's infiltrating every recess of Jim's mind, but it's still frustrating and honestly somewhat distressing. But, Jim can't bring himself to wish he wasn't in love with Spock, because now he can't fathom what it would be like if he didn't see how completely fascinating Spock is.

His thoughts always get brought back to the growing desire to understand and know more about Spock. Spock becomes his fascination, but also the thing his mind instinctively shies away from, because of the emotional consequences.

Yet Jim still dreams of the apartment. It's the same scenario, like he's just arrived home and Spock is there to greet him. They hug, and Jim can feel the lines Spock traces with his hands along his back, burning into his skin. They kiss, and Jim tastes something that's indescribable but at the same time immediately recognisable as _Spock_. Something that he constantly wants more of.

Sometimes he and Spock talk after they kiss, and even though Jim never remembers what about, he does remember the calm in Spock eyes, and also the warmth. He always can recall that friendliness and...love? Jim almost sees love in Spock eyes, when he looks at Jim.

And then when Jim wakes up, painfully alone in his bed, he's left with images of something that he's come to realise he wants desperately, an intimacy that really seems impossible.

_This is really bad_, Jim thinks to himself. _And that is a very large understatement._

"You ok, Captain?" Scotty asks him when Jim's checking up on Engineering one day. Jim looks up from staring at the floor, mentally berating himself and replies, "I'm fine, Scotty, I'm sorry."

Scotty raises an eyebrow and Jim wants to laugh how it's really quite a la Spock, but it just brings a pang to his heart.

Scotty doesn't press anything and Jim is thankful for that. They go back to talking about the new modifications and upgrades Scotty is making, and Jim mentions that he noticed all the wires sticking out everywhere.

Scotty laughs and says, "Yes, so watch yourself Captain." Jim snorts and waves his hand at Scotty, muttering, "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Of course, as soon as Scotty quickly dashes off to the call of some of his engineers, Jim slumps back onto whatever he was leaning against before.

If only his hand hadn't brushed that exposed bundle of wires.

There's a sharp pain that shoots up his arm and Jim falls over, blacking out.

He dreams of the apartment, but it's a room he hasn't seen yet, his and Spock's bedroom.

Jim's not entirely lucid as he feels Spock surrounding him, their skin pressed together and lips connected. Any thought escapes him and he simply relishes in the feeling of how close they are, of how much his body craves this lack of distance. He breathes in and he breathes in Spock, and when Jim sighs, he falls into Spock's chest.

Spock curls an arm around Jim's waist and kisses his neck, and Jim's not even thinking about how this isn't real, he's thinking of how much he _wants_ this, how badly he needs to know what this feels like. He doesn't search himself for reasons or answers, but simply lets that wave of happiness roll and he kisses Spock back, dragging his fingers across Spock's back.

It's all Jim can see or feel, like this cool night that washes over his feverish mind. His heart isn't racing and his hands aren't shaking even though they're so close, and it's like Jim wants to cry as he feels Spock's heartbeat underneath him.

Jim doesn't resist when he feels everything trickle away from him and he realises he's regaining consciousness. The last thing he sees is Spock's eyes, dark but bright, and then nothing.

He can feel someone moving around him and from the dull whir of fluorescent lights in the background, Jim gathers he's in Sick Bay. Jim blinks his eyes open and immediately spots Bones.

Bones is faced away from him but as soon as Jim opens his eyes, it's like Bones senses it or something, because he's right there at the edge of Jim's bed with a pissed off expression on his face.

Jim attempts a cheesy grin but his head hurts, so what really comes out is a wince. Bones rolls his eyes.

"Jim, of all the-"

"I know, I know." Jim says, and he remembers why he's even in Sick Bay to begin with. "Anything bad happen to me?"

Bones makes an annoyed noise but replies, "No, you're fine. Just a little scrambled, but fine."

Jim tries to sit up but Bones pushes him back into the bed. Jim sees that he's about to get another lecture from the man, so he quickly cuts him off with, "Bones, you can't honestly expect me to stay here if I'm fine. What kind of an image does it present, if I have to spend the night here from just getting shocked?"

Bones hesitates and Jim seizes the opportunity, swinging out of the bed and quickly running for the door. His head is still buzzing a little, but he's been through worse.

He thinks he hears "idiot" as he leaves, and that manages to make Jim laugh a little.

The rest of the day runs smoothly, after the initial jokes at Jim's expense. He chuckles along with them good naturedly and is surprised to find himself in a better frame of mind.

Jim wonders what it is, but he reminds himself he doesn't have the time to think too much about it right now. He needs to focus on his crew.

But once later has come and everyone's yawning, they trade off their posts and Jim makes his way back to his cabin. He isn't tired but a threatening message from Bones made it so he had to sleep early tonight. Jim smiles to himself when he realises that Bones might have noticed his upset sleeping pattern in the last week.

Jim's about to turn the corner to his cabin when he sees something out of the corner of his eye. He looks behind him, and there's Spock, all perfect composure with his hands behind his back, probably completely unaware that he had just made Jim jump out of his skin.

Jim recovers himself in time to hear Spock say, "Captain...I was wondering if you'd join me in a chess game before we both retire tonight?"

It takes Jim a few seconds to fully process what he just heard, and never mind that he's finding it hard to look Spock in the eye.

"Um...sure?" says Jim, and he follows Spock back to Spock's room.

They've played chess together a few times before, both surprised at the other's knowledge of the game. But once it became less awkward and more casual, they found it easy to slip into relaxation and quietly pass time together.

Jim plays white, Spock plays black. Jim decides to focus on the game and not on how uncomfortable he actually is, and once he concentrates on his strategy enough, everything is fluid and the game unfolds.

Sometime after Spock took Jim's bishop, Spock asks Jim how he's feeling.

Jim frowns, more to himself, and wonders if Spock has noticed his strange behaviour. He exhales softly and glances up at his friend, saying, "Do you mean about earlier today? I'm fine, it was just an accident."

Spock nods minutely and doesn't say anything more. Jim feels a moment of disappointment, wishing Spock would elaborate or at least keep talking, so he continues, "It was stupid, wasn't it? Of all the things for me, a Captain, to do..."

He laughs and takes another of Spock's pawns, then looks up to see the Vulcan staring at him steadily. Jim coughs, unsettled from the intense stare he's getting. "Are _you_ ok, Spock?"

"You should not be so reckless, Captain." Spock says solidly, and his eyes flicker back to the board. Jim flushes, embarrassed, and says quickly, "Like I said, it was just an accident, I-"

"You are irreplaceable." adds Spock, and that shuts Jim up.

He doesn't want to try and find the different possible layers in that statement right now, so he decides on taking the compliment at face value. He looks at Spock and gives a small smile, cocking his head and says quietly, "Thank you."

Spock makes a soft noise of agreement, and checkmates Jim.

"_What?_" Jim exclaims, running his eyes over the board. "How the hell did you do that?"

But Jim's laughing and somehow the air around them is so much easier. Something inside of Jim has just clicked and his chest isn't a heavy weight anymore. He looks up at Spock again and sees Spock's eyes _smiling_, and Jim finally gets it.

_Regardless of how Spock feels, the only thing I can do is continue to be his friend. I just want to be with him._

"Just wait, next time, it's on."

* * *

lol this is really late, I'm so sorry guys! I actually had it ready last night but I watched Never Let Me Go, and if you've seen that movie you'll understand, because I was a sobbing mess at the end. (If you haven't seen it, _go watch it_, it's brilliant and beautiful and freaking heartbreaking.)

Also I'm not really capable of writing anything over 2,000 words per chapter...but that means I have no excuse for not updating often!

Thanks for all the interest in this too~ It makes me so happy.


	3. In The Shadow Of Your Heart

It takes a few glares from the nurses and some curious looks from the patients before Jim realises that his hovering around the entrance to Sick Bay might be a little bit of an obstruction.

In all fairness, they don't know everything that's going on with him right now, or understand how much he really just wants to talk to Bones.

He's not entirely certain if Bones is going to be very happy to hear what in particularly he has to say, though.

Jim looks up from the ground just in time to see Bones step out into the hall and glance around. When he spots Jim, Bones rolls his eyes.

Jim smiles brightly, opening his mouth, but Bones cuts him off. "Jim, you're creating somewhat of a spectacle. What do you want?"

Jim laughs and Bones eyes him curiously. Jim bites his lip and asks, "You got a minute?"

When they're in Bones's office, Jim's suddenly is having a hard time finding the right words. He fiddles with the edge of his shirt, choosing to stare over Bones's head instead of directly at the man, but Bones coughs pointedly, and Jim suddenly spits out, "How do you tell if you're in love?"

Normally Jim would laugh at the expression of surprise on Bones's face, if he wasn't actually asking a serious question. Bones blinks slowly and replies, "Uh...you're really asking me this?"

Jim is silent so Bones clears his throat and says, "Well...you feel like...you want to...I don't know...it's like you just want to spend all your time with whoever it is you're in love with."

Jim nods and Bones continues. "You care about their wellbeing and just honestly like everything about them, and...Jim, why am I even answering this question? Why are you asking this?" Bones raises an eyebrow and stares Jim down.

It's Jim's turn to clear his throat. His hands clench and unclench at his sides, and he says softly, "I think I'm in love."

There's several seconds of tense silence, where Bones's eyes grow wider until Jim think they're comically going to fall out of his sockets. "Um..." Jim begins. "You okay, Bones?"

Bones shakes his head and looks very much like he wants to throw something at Jim, so Jim steps back. But after a moment or two the expression on his friend's face softens, but Bones still says dryly, "Ok, that wasn't completely out of nowhere or anything."

He pauses for a moment, seemingly trying to collect his thoughts, and Jim laughs weakly, but he can't ignore that his chest feels a little lighter now. He glances at Bones and decides to keep going, so he adds, "It's Spock."

"What about Spock?"

"No, it's Spock...I'm in love with Spock."

Jim wonders if he should leave, what with the shade the doctor's face is turning now.

Bones squeezes his eyes shut, like he wishes he hadn't heard what Jim just said, and shouts, "_Why would you even tell me that!_" and Jim is just _laughing_. He's laughing because it suddenly feels so good to let out some of his bottled up thoughts, and even if he's not going to unload everything on Bones, even just hearing his own voice confirm what he's feeling is a relief.

He's still grinning when Bones grabs him by the shoulders, looking him intensely in the eyes and says, "Jim, are you feeling okay? Are you feverish? Because you know, that shock from the other day could've-"

Jim shrugs him off. "I'm fine, Bones."

Bones runs his hands through his hair, exhaling. "Are you serious, Jim. You're really in love with _Spock_? _You_, of all people, in love? With, of all people, _Spock_?"

Jim starts laughing again and he bites his lip in order to stop from grinning so damn much. This seems to have an effect on Bones and he mutters, "Oh God, you really are in love with that green blooded, pointy eared bastard."

Jim leans back against the wall and watches as Bones looks at the floor for a few seconds. Bones mumbles something like "_should've known when yesterday_", but Jim can't hear him clearly. When Bones looks up, Jim just stares at him.

"Are you waiting for something?" Bones asks dryly.

"I don't know...your..." Jim searches for his words. "Approval? Blessing?"

Bones snorts. "Jim, seeing as how I've never given my approval _or_ my blessing for any of the last multitude of women you've chased after, so I don't see why this would be any different." He seems to catch himself and adds, "Actually, scratch that, this is definitely different. Very different."

Bones shuffles a few papers on his desk, sighing, and says, "Fine. You can have my _approval_. Blessing is reserved for a later date, and I really hope that there isn't one."

Jim grins, and is about to step out of the office, when he remembers something.

"Bones, what exactly am I supposed to do now?"

Twenty minutes later, after Bones explains how exactly one goes about dating and actually spending time with people (and wondering when he suddenly turned into Jim's mom), Jim's feeling quite a bit more relaxed and actually somewhat optimistic. Bones is feeling more tired and wishes he could wipe the thirty minutes from his memory, but that's beside the point.

Bones shoos him out of Sick Bay, saying, "You should've even be here anyways, you're not even sick." Jim just laughs again and this seems to annoy Bones more, and he full on pushes Jim into the hallway.

Jim finds himself to be busy for the rest of the day, so he doesn't really have the time to work over what Bones said to him. The only things he's sure of is how he feels for Spock and that he _does_ want to spend more time with his first officer...but other than their habit of chess games and occasional conversations together on the Bridge, there's isn't much to go off of.

Jim is finally able to mull his thoughts over as he walks back to his cabin later that evening, but as he gets lost in his thoughts, his feet seem to take a different course. Once he's finally brought out of his reverie, Jim realises he just walked past the Observatory.

Curiously, because he's never actually really been inside the Observatory, Jim pokes his head in through the doorway and notices someone left the projector on. The room is dark as the star maps flicker across the ceiling, and Jim doesn't realise he's stepped through the door until the it swishes shut behind him.

He looks up and watches as the projector passes through what must be Earth days, because he is able to pick out easily recognisable constellations like Orion and the Big Dipper. Jim feels like it was forever ago, since he actually looked up at the night sky and its stars and constellations, and he finds himself momentarily enjoying reliving a little bit of his childhood as his eyes run over the different stars.

And then Jim is lying on the floor of the Observatory. It's strangely soothing, the way the projector clicks in the background and how the only light comes from the stars, and Jim finds himself easily lost in the quiet dark.

He doesn't know how much time passes before he hears the swish of the door, and it occurs to him that the Captain probably shouldn't be dozing off in the Observatory, but before Jim can do anything, there's someone standing over him, blocking out the light of the stars.

The stranger's face is completely in shadow, but Jim can just make out the barest hint of pointed ears, and he lets out a breath and smiles. "Spock."

"What are you doing, Captain?" Spock asks, and Jim notes an undercurrent of genuine curiosity in his voice. Jim grins even though Spock probably can't see, and says, "I'm just star gazing."

Jim can't help the blush that creeps across his cheeks as he asks, "Care to join?"

He's expecting Spock to refuse, or even just walk away, and he's pleasantly surprised as Spock sits down next to him on the floor.

"I think it's scrolling through Earth's perspective," Jim says as Spock lies down next to him. "I'm not sure what year though, but it must be recent because I can recognise some of the constellations."

Apparently Spock's full of surprises today, because he actually holds up a conversation with Jim about the stars that pass by, adding his own input and questioning Jim about his knowledge of the stars that can be seen on Earth.

Jim knows he's in love, because he really feels how amazing and comfortable and just _perfect_ is is to lie here with Spock, just talking or letting there be silence between them. He feels how easy the silence is, and it doesn't put him on edge, rather, it relaxes him.

Jim's getting lost in his own thoughts again though, his thoughts about how his heart is beating softly in his chest, and he just now notices that Spock somehow seems closer. Jim can feel the heat radiating off of the Vulcan and now the silence is thicker, and Jim's heart sounds a lot louder than before.

Inhaling is a mistake, because it's like he breathes in Spock when he does, and Jim's frozen; he doesn't want to move for fear of realising how close Spock actually might be.

But Jim's eyelids feel so heavy, and the stars are still shining above them, circling overhead. Jim glances over to where he thinks Spock's head would be, and sees that every now and then, a star catches in Spock's eyes.

Jim's breath completely halts when he realises Spock's looking right at him, because Jim can see the stars reflected in his eyes.

He wonders what he looks like right now to Spock, if Spock can even see him, or why Spock's even looking at Jim in the first place.

It's light, but Jim can feel Spock's breath on his face. He turns himself a little towards Spock, to get a better look at the other's face, and he hears Spock breath hitch a little, and Jim's heart is suddenly pounding a mile a minute.

Something is tugging at him, reeling him in and Jim leans minutely closer to Spock, and their noses just almost touch.

Jim knows he wouldn't even have to lean forward again for them to kiss, but then something trembles inside of Jim and he instantly pulls back. Even through all of these revelations, realisations, and _feelings_, Jim can still feel his chest ache. He still feels that uncertainty resting in his stomach, and he takes a deep breath of air and stands up off the floor.

He sees that Spock hasn't moved, and Jim wistfully wishes that the room was brighter so he could actually see the expression on Spock face, not just his frozen form on the ground.

The light from the stars still dances across them, and Jim can't stop thinking about Spock's eyes as he lamely mutters, "I have to go", and quickly runs out the door.

* * *

Thanks for all the reviews and alerts again guys! Every single one of them makes me so happy, so I'm really, really thankful. Hopefully I'm not making you all wait too long. haha

Erm, I have no idea if they have an observatory on the Enterprise...so just go with me on this one...

Oh! Random but not totally unwarranted, there's this really rad electronic/nerdy techno artist called Computer Magic that I'd like to take a moment to highly recommend to everyone! I've been listening to her a _lot_ lately, and her music is so wonderful and lovely and really, really unique. There might be a songfic in the works eventually here, but I'm not entirely certain, because I can't seem to find her lyrics anywhere.

Oh! I'll try my hardest to get chapter four up by tomorrow or thursday, and then the last chapter before the end of the weekend! Spring Break is next week for me, and I'm going to spend it working on some original stuff, so I'd really like to have this wrapped up for everyone! Hope you've enjoyed my story thus far.


	4. I'm Always In This Twilight

After the night in the Observatory, Jim gravitates towards avoiding Spock again. He really tries, as much as his job and his natural inclination towards Spock's face will allow. One minute he'll be laughing with his crew members, and he'll look at Spock and something will just click inside of him and his chuckle dies in his throat. It's because of the way Spock looks at him now, almost like he _sees_ through Jim, and Jim's actually terrified of what could be running through Spock's fascinating mind right now. Jim really tries to avoid those moments, because they're uncomfortable. He's still having trouble fully wrapping his head around the idea of being in love.

It hurts to be so inexplicably drawn towards someone and think you have a handle on where your thoughts lie, but at the same time be so thoroughly and utterly confused.

So Jim really does try to avoid Spock, but now it seems that Spock goes out of his way to find _him_.

"Captain, if you would just look over these couple of forms..."

It's the moments like these, where personal space is at a minimal again and Jim is constantly reminded of how close Spock actually was that night, where Spock's breath tickles the back of Jim's neck and his hand hovers above Jim's waist (and yes, Jim can actually feel the heat from Spock's hand and it makes him flush).

Spock just blinks at Jim innocently and Jim idly wonders if he's doing this to him on purpose.

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe he likes you back, Jim?"

Jim looks up at Bones and Bones looks down at Jim. Jim scratches the back of his head and says, "Uh...no?"

Bones rolls his eyes and continues flicking through his pad. Jim pauses then asks, "Do you think he's in love with me?"

Bones rolls his eyes again and, annoyed, Jim shoots back, "You know, you're face is going to get stuck like that if-"

"Jim..." Bones hesitates but looks Jim in the eye, and Jim sits back in his chair. "This is like the fifth time you've been in here this week to talk about Spock. Obviously it's eating away at you. You need to do something about it."

Jim frowns and says, "But how am I supposed to know how he feels?" Bones throws his hands up in the air.

"Good God Jim, why the hell should I know that? He's freaking Vulcan! I mean, I'm sure Vulcans have to feel something...obviously...you know, actually, I don't-"

Jim coughs loudly and Bones, flustered, says quickly, "Look, talk to him or something. Use logic, I'm sure that overrides the rest of his emotions anyways."

He waves Jim off, muttering, "I need to work dammit, or else pay me for all the therapy I'm giving you".

Jim sighs through his nose, unsatisfied, but he leaves Bones to his work, nodding to Nurse Chapel on the way out.

She ducks her head into Bones's and asks quietly, "Why didn't you tell the Captain?"

Bones looks up. "Tell him what?"

She fixes him with her gaze, knowing he's fully aware of what she's referencing. "That Mr. Spock was here not that long ago, asking about him."

The corners of Bones's mouth quirk and he murmurs, "They need to figure it out on their own."

It's been about seven days since Jim last had one of the "weird Spock dreams", but the night he talks to Bones he has one, and this time he and Spock just talk.

They sit on opposite sides of a table in the apartment kitchen, and as soon as Jim sees him, he knows that something has changed. Spock's staring at him differently, head cocked to the side and eyes steady, eerily coherent for a dream.

There are no pretenses, no pauses before Jim asks, "Do you love me?"

"Yes." Spock breathes deeply from across the table and Jim wonders briefly if maybe he's gotten it wrong this time, and this isn't a dream. But he glances around the apartment and knows it is.

As a warmth unfolds in his chest as Spock's answer echoes in his brain, Jim wishes it wasn't a dream.

"You love me." he confirms shakily, and Spock shifts and places his fingertips on Jim's wrist.

"I love you." Spock says, so soft that Jim strains to hear it, but he does. He clenches his eyes shut and Spock presses Jim's wrist harder.

There are _so_ many things this scenario could mean. That he's just desperate for this to be Spock's response, that his mind is deluding himself, or that maybe his subconscious actually knows that this _will_ be Spock's response. Because the question is inevitably going to be asked.

Jim feels Spock's hand slide up his arm and cup his face and he opens his eyes.

"Jim...I love you."

They kiss.

The next time that Spock invades Jim's personal space, it's to ask the Captain if he'd care to join Spock for a chess match later that night.

Jim automatically agrees, shoving away thoughts like "are you sure that's such a good idea Jim?", "after all, you're delusional about the guy".

"I'm going to kick your ass this time." Jim swears, and Spock's eyes laugh.

Once they're settled at the table in Spock's quarters, Spock pulls out the board and something occurs to Jim.

He bites the inside of his cheek and decides to give it a try. Maybe he can get some of his questions answered.

"You wanna shake it up a little?" Jim asks, and Spock raises an eyebrow. "Please elaborate, Captain."

"Every time one of us takes a piece, we get to ask a question." Jim explains, and his stomach twists when both of Spock's eyebrows are raised.

"Is there a limit to what can be asked?" Spock asks slowly, and Jim laughs, seeing the scholar in Spock peeking out.

"No. The thing is, you have to answer the question truthfully."

"...I welcome the challenge then."

Jim grins, and they set up the board.

Naturally, Spock is the first to claim a piece. Jim sits back as Spock ponders for a moment, then says, "What is your first memory?"

Jim is surprised that this would be Spock's first question. He thinks, then replies, "I have a memory of sitting in the field behind our house in the afternoon." His lips curl into a slight smile as he reminisces. "The grass tickled my face, and I think Sam was off in the distance, trying to catch something, like a butterfly maybe."

This mood continues, as they trade questions back and forth, staying above the surface and asking about childhoods, ambitions, and philosophies. Jim doesn't want to be the first to finally get to the interesting part, but he figures Spock could go on forever, with that never-ending curiosity of his, so after he takes Spock's first knight, he asks, "So how are you and Uhura doing?"

Uhura. Through all his tremulous realisations, Jim had neglected to take into account that Spock and Uhura were considered to be an item. Or at least he assumed, considering Spock probably didn't publicly make out with people he only thought of as friends.

It's a little below the belt, and Spock's eyes narrow. Jim shrugs and rolls Spock's knight in between his fingers as he waits for the answer.

"We are no longer what people would consider to be...a couple, however Nyota and I still pass time with each other." Spock answers, and Jim eyes widen.

"So you're not like, still sleeping together, right?" Jim says before he's really processed that much, and Spock blinks steadily at him.

"That's two questions, Captain."

Jim scrambles to take another piece and manages a pawn. Turns out, to Jim's vast relief, that no, Uhura and Spock aren't sleeping together.

Jim's stomach curls at the information, and he can't help the happiness that floats through him. Spock's giving him a weird look, so he quickly puts his focus back into the game.

And now it's where things begin to get a little uncomfortable. Spock decides to counter by asking if Jim is seeing anyone, and Jim quickly (probably a little too quickly) blurts out, "No, of course not!" The eyebrow goes up and Jim coughs to cover up his embarrassment.

To Jim's frustration, Spock dominates the board and Jim goes a while without taking any pieces. Spock seems unusually curious about Jim's love life, and Jim begrudgingly has to oblige. He retells stories of his exploits in Iowa as well as a few when he was at the Academy, and it's more than a little unsettling to be explaining to Spock what it's like to run out of a girl's house to get away from her boyfriend, more than half naked at three in the morning.

They're down to just a few pawns, one bishop, and a knight, as well as Spock's king and queen, and Jim's king, because Spock just took his queen.

Spock turns over the white piece in his hand, running his fingertips over the crown, and asks, "And through all the encounters that you've had, have you ever found yourself in love?"

Jim's stomach lurches and he swallows uncomfortably. There's a moment of hesitation, where he doesn't know how he's actually going to answer that question - does he answer truthfully or lie - and he wonders why Spock is even asking that particular question. It seems...really un-Spock, but as Jim looks at Spock, Spock's not meeting his eyes and Jim finds the words tumbling out of his mouth before he can really think about it any longer, and he says, "Yes."

Jim knows it's cryptic and he almost winces, because they both automatically know what Spock's next question is going to be, and Jim knows he's going to have to lie.

He stares at the board, practically praying for a way out, and he sees it. It's not exactly grandeur, but Jim manages to knock off one of Spock's pawns. "What about you Spock, you ever been in love?"

It's a lame question, but Jim's too rattled to have any better of a comeback. He knows what the response is going to be, and it's, "I am Vulcan." As if that's all that needs to be said, as if they both don't know that's a bullshit of an answer. Jim notices that Spock still can't meet his gaze.

Spock checkmates him next, which Jim is actually surprised by. But honestly, it's Spock, so maybe Jim isn't really that surprised in the end.

He chuckles weakly and leans back in the chair. "Guess I'll just have to get you next time." There's a pause, and then Jim adds, "So, fire away."

Spock doesn't disappoint. He looks steadily at Jim's king and asks quietly, "Who was it?"

It would be so easy to just say _you_. It's you. I'm in love with you. It's not in the past tense, it's in the present tense, because I'm very much in love with you. I dream about kissing you and sleeping with you and we live in this weird, white apartment, and I think if I go on like this any longer I might burst, but at the same time I can't even begin to find a way to tell you.

_But here's the way_, Jim thinks.

His voice is scratchy even though he hasn't been speaking. "Well..." He begins, and he sees Spock's eyes finally flicker up to meet his, and there's this surreal moment where everything seems suspended and slow, and Jim's holding his breath and his heart is pounding in his chest.

That moment is broken by a loud beeping noise coming from his pocket. The noise actually comes right as Jim opens his mouth again, and he thinks he starts to say, "It's y-" right before he's cut off. He sits there dumbly for a moment, then digs into his pocket and pulls out his communicator.

"You're needed on the Bridge." says a voice, and Jim doesn't even register who it is, because he's still staring at Spock, and sees the way Spock slowly leans away from him and takes a deep breath.

The moment's gone, says a small voice in Jim's head, and he flips his communicator closed and opens his mouth to say something to Spock.

"You should go see what it is, Captain." Spock says before he can get anything out, in a stiff, solid voice that clearly conveys that the wall has gone back up between them.

Jim awkwardly stands, and with one last look at Spock (who's now turned his chair away from Jim), leaves.

* * *

Huuu, I realise this is INCREDIBLY late. I apoligise. My last few weeks have been extremely stressful emotionally, especially last week (which was my Spring Break week for eff's sake), it was just really weird and uncomfortable. Every time I tried to sit down to write this I had absolutely no inspiration and arrgh. Anyways, that's over now! haha This only has one chapter left, after all (exciting for me, because I'm halfway through the next chapter, and somehow it ended up like double the length of the other chapters, whatever) and it's all happy tiemz, so yay! It'll be up by either Saturday night or Sunday. Sorry sorry for making you guys wait, don't hate me too much!


	5. So I Stayed In The Darkness With You

Jim decides not to tell Bones about last night. Mainly because he thinks if he mentions Spock one more time, Bones is going to strangle him, but also because Jim's still somewhat shaken up. He had made it through the day well enough because Spock was busy in the Science lab and Jim was occupied with getting their ship docked back on Earth, but his stomach still hurt from all the knots it was tying itself up in.

He twists his finger in the hem of his shirt and chews on his tongue as he follows Bones back to Bones's quarters. Bones doesn't ask, but from the exasperated expression on his face, he knows something's up with Jim. Jim sits on the edge of Bones's bed as Bones opens his closet, and Bones turns around say, "Jim, you want to tell me why you've been following me around like a kicked puppy?"

"It's nothing." says Jim, waving his friend off. Bones rolls his eyes and continues to dig around in his closet. When he pulls out a nice looking suit, Jim frowns and asks, "Bones, why are you taking a tux out of your closet?"

"For the dinner." Bones says slowly, and then snorts at Jim's blank expression. "Honestly, you're amazing. You forgot?"

"Forgot what?"

Bones laughs. "The dinner at the Academy tonight, that everyone on the Enterprise has to attend. It's supposed to be 'in honor of our impressive achievements as a crew' or something. You _really_ forgot?"

Jim flops back on the bed, covering his face with his hands and groaning. He had forgotten about the party tonight, it had just escaped his memory because in light of recent events, Jim's mind had honestly been full of other things. Bones is still laughing at him as he lays out his tux next to Jim on the bed, and Jim mumbles through his hands, "I suppose that means I actually have to be there."

"With being a captain comes great responsibility." Bones says solemnly, but as Jim peeks through the cracks in his fingers, he can see Bones smirking at him. He shoots out his leg to try and kick Bones, but the man jumps away, laughing again.

About half an hour later, Bones kicks Jim out of his room because "you're damn depressing to look at so would you please stop wallowing on my bed and go do something else". "Don't forget I'm picking you up." Bones adds as Jim leaves, and Jim leans back through the doorway to quip, "So you're my date then?"

"More like your chaperone." Bones says dryly, shutting the door in Jim's face.

Once Jim reaches his room, he throws himself on _his_ bed for a little more then ten minutes, then takes Bones's advice and showers. Never mind that he drifts off as the water pours over his back and he accidentally drops the soap, then steps on it and slips, knocking his forehead into the wall. He finishes quickly after that and examines the small bruise beginning to form on the temple, sighing.

_I just can't get a break lately_, Jim thinks, and he opens the door to his closet.

His suit hangs in the very back, squished by the rest of his clothes. He pulls it out and notices that the shoulders are still stiff, a testament to how much he actually hates wearing suits.

He slips it on though, pulling on the pants and the shirt, but his door buzzes before he can finishing buttoning up his shirt.

Jim opens his door, saying, "Jesus, Bones, can you let me get dressed firs-"

The words trail off as he sees it's Spock standing in his doorway, not Bones. Spock. In a suit. _Spock in a suit._

Jim realises he's gaping and quickly closes his mouth. Spock's eyes flicker to the bruise on Jim's forehead, and Jim flushes, leaning against the doorway and explaining, "I slipped in the shower." Spock's expression is about as close to amused as Jim's ever seen it, which just means the corners of Spock's mouth twitch minimally.

Jim clears his throat and that seems to snap Spock back to order, and he says stiffly, "Captain...I came to...apologise."

Jim's eyes widen and he blinks rapidly to cover his shock. Then he frowns. "What for?"

"For last night...during our chess game. I overstepped my boundaries. I should not have asked you if you have ever loved anyone, it was out of place." Spock explains quietly, eyes watching Jim for his reaction.

Jim inhales slowly, softly, then replies, "Don't worry about it, Spock." Spock's eyes flicker with some kind of emotion that Jim can't place, and he continues, "It was also wrong of me to further ask who it was you were in love with."

Jim forces a smile, even though he feels immensely uncomfortable right now, because Spock is too close, in a suit, and Jim really can't tear his eyes off of him. Jim's also aware of how his shirt hangs open on his collarbone, of how his hair is still wet from the shower, of how he probably smells like shampoo, and he wonders if Spock is aware of all these things too, as he stares solidly down at Jim.

Jim wonders if Spock heard him almost say _"it's you"_ the night before.

He steps backward, away from Spock, and says simply, "Really, forget about it. The question fell within the rules, and now you just know I'm in love with someone, it's not that big of a deal."

Spock stiffens in the doorway and Jim freezes, realising what just came out of his mouth.

"You are..._in_ love with someone?" Spock asks, incredulity in his voice, and Jim instantly mentally chastises himself.

"Um." He curses at himself in his head, but manages, "Er, yeah." He shrugs a little, hoping Spock will just brush the comment off, but Spock's eyes are wide and it's like he's frozen in Jim's doorway.

"So uh," Jim continues, face steadily growing hotter. "I'm just going to finish getting ready now..."

Spock immediately snaps out of it, and quickly states, "Of course." He briskly steps out of Jim's doorway and back into the hallway, and the door to Jim's room swishes shut.

Jim collapses on his bed, stuffing his face into his pillow.

Jim is silent the whole way to the party, and he hopes Bones is just writing it off that he hates parties like these, because he really does. They're full of people who only talk to him because he's the "captain" and they don't actually give two shits about him. Jim hates that, he hates how fake everything is.

As they walk into the giant ballroom, Bones lightly pats Jim on the shoulder and gives him a sympathetic look, then quickly ducks out of the way as Jim is accosted by a group of official looking people.

Twenty minutes later, Jim has said exactly the same thing a total of six times ("Oh, thank you, really I'm just doing what's expected of me. You're too kind. Of course I know who you are. It's a pleasure to meet you.") before he finally ducks behind a pillar to catch his breath. He spots Bones across the room, pouring himself something to drink and sends "I hate you, you're an awful friend, go die" vibes.

The ballroom is large enough that Jim can't completely see the ends over everyone's heads, but he still feels trapped in the swarm of people he doesn't know at all. Every now and then he'll spot someone from his crew, and he envies that most of them seem at ease, with the exception of Chekov, who nervously knocks over a punch bowl at one point.

It's dim enough that Jim has to squint to make everyone out, but he can, and tons of candles hang from a giant chandelier overhead, lighting the room. He spots people standing up on the balcony, their glasses clinking together as they laugh, and Jim can only smell a mixture of drinks and bad perfume. Flowers decorate the tables that are sparsely placed around the room and Jim is glad there are pillars lining the edges of the room, because he plans on standing behind his for the rest of the night.

With the glass of champagne he snatched up as soon as the people bombarding him with questions and expressions of "how we have such high expectations for your future" left. Jesus. Jim quickly finishes off his glass and grabs another one from the table off to his side, downing it and welcoming the edge of fuzziness it brings.

Throughout all this, Jim hasn't seen Spock at all. Obviously he's there, if he was wearing a suit earlier, and it bugs Jim that he hasn't seen Spock. _He's probably avoiding you_, says a small voice in Jim's head. _Or more like you're avoiding him._ Jim grits his teeth and thinks, _More like I'm avoiding everyone._ And then he rolls his eyes and looks back out at the mass of people.

It's hard to believe that this is all for his crew, and Jim actually doesn't believe it. He can pick out the people in the crowd that probably have fancy titles, they're older and hold themselves with an air of "distinction". Jim glares at them.

"Dodging your captainly duties, eh?" says a soft voice in his ear, and Jim jumps, whirling around.

A short woman is standing behind him, a hand daintily covering her mouth as she grins at him. Jim frowns at her, taking in her soft eyes and long, curly brown hair. And then it hits him.

"Oh, hey...Amelia." he stutters out, instantly trying to creep away from her and around the pillar. She follows him, a wicked expression crossing over her face.

Jim hadn't seen Amelia (he never actually bothered to figure out her last name) for about two years now, not since she tossed him out of her room at three in the morning with only his underwear, proclaiming loudly he had ruined her life forever. Jim actually hadn't done anything except frown at her when she professed her love for him while they were in the middle of having sex, but Jim realised two days later that she actually was completely insane and it wasn't just an act.

"Hey Jim." Amelia says back, still grinning at him as he backs away from her. "Been a while."

He tries to shrug casually, aware that he probably looks like a cornered animal about. "Yeah, well, you know. Been busy and all that."

"Oh, _I know_." she replies and Jim squints at her. _So that's what this is about_, he thinks, and sighs mentally.

_I hope the rest of my exes aren't going to come crawling out of the woodwork now. Maybe I need to find someone._

Spock's image jumps into his mind and Jim hates himself at that moment for the twist in his stomach the image brings.

Amelia's still staring at him, and Jim doesn't know what to do. Normally his exes just stayed away from him.

"Jim," she starts, drawing his name out and he flinches. "I feel like we left off on the wrong foot."

"You tossed me out of your room." Jim states bluntly.

"I wasn't in my right mind." Amelia continues. _You're never in your right mind_, Jim thinks.

She brings her hand up to his shoulder and runs it down his arm, saying, "I think we should try again. I miss you."

Jim backs away, backing into the crowd. He's about to tell Amelia there's no way in hell he's going to start up a relationship with her, when an older woman next to him lets out a noise of pleasant surprise and exclaims, "_Captain_ Kirk!"

Jim blanches and holds out his hand, more to ward the woman off, but she takes it as a welcoming gesture and shakes his hand. "How wonderful it is to finally meet you! I was so impressed with what you did last month with those Romulans..."

Jim resists the urge to snort. It's like the rest of his crew doesn't exist.

Amelia's right there at his side, and she grips his arm tightly once the woman pulls away, and Jim stiffens.

"Oh?" says the woman, a smile blossoming across her face and Jim realises with panic that she's getting the wrong idea. "Who's this lovely young lady?"

Amelia is grinning again and she opens her mouth, but Jim quickly cuts her off with, "She's a friend. Actually, I'm helping her find someone, so if you don't mind-?"

"Oh! Not at all. I hope you find who you're looking for." the woman replies and as she walks past, Jim gets a whiff of her horrible smelling perfume. He wrinkles his nose and pulls his arm out of Amelia's grip.

"Why did you say that?" she asks him sharply, her eyes shooting daggers at him and Jim lets out a frustrated sigh.

"I'm not getting back together with you." he says pointedly, backing away from her and walks quickly through the crowd. Maybe he can find Bones and get the hell out of here.

Unfortunately, Amelia's following him, and the faster he walks, the faster she does too. He even tries to backtrack around and man holding a tray of food, but she pushes her way around him and chases after Jim.

"This isn't happening." Jim mutters to himself, ducking around a group of people. He looks behind him to see that Amelia's not far behind, but when he looks back up, he's suddenly filled with a rush of relief, because there's _Spock_.

Oh thank God, Jim thinks, and he practically runs over to Spock. Spock is hanging awkwardly off to the side of the room, looking even more awkward then Jim felt, and Jim feels a small twinge of guilt, because if these things are difficult for Jim, they're probably even harder for Spock.

Spock stares Jim as he ducks behind him, and then when Amelia bursts through the group of people, he looks at her with curiosity.

Jim breathes heavily from behind Spock and the first thing he can think of comes out of his mouth. "Spock, _help me_, she's crazy!"

He can't see Spock's expression but he sees Amelia's face turn an ugly shade of red. He wants to say, "Hey, your face matches your dress.", but he chooses not too and instead watches as she splutters, "Ok, he's just being childish. We were just talking, _weren't we Jim?_"

Jim shakes his head, aware he's acting like a child as he hides behind Spock, but he says, "Lady, there's no way we're getting back together."

Amelia lets out a furious noise and makes towards Jim, but something in Spock's face halts her. "Please leave, the Captain doesn't desire your company at this moment. Or, as I take it, ever." He says lowly but strongly, and her face falls. Jim notices that a few people are watching the three of them, but as Amelia huffs and flicks her hair, turning on her heel and storming back into the crowd, they turn away and resume talking amongst each other.

Jim lets out a huge sigh and steps out from behind Spock. "Thank you so much." he says, running a hand through his hair and looking up at Spock. Spock's eyes are dark but he runs his eyes over Jim's face then says thickly, "It is no problem. I am sure the one you love would be grateful."

It's so odd for that to be the first thing out of Spock's mouth, like it's all he's been thinking about since he was standing in Jim's doorway. Jim wonders if between then and now he had thought about that moment as much as Jim had, in the last two hours. Jim wonders if Spock spends as much time running their conversations and interactions in his mind as much as Jim does, because Jim does _all the time._

Something hits Jim and he's momentarily winded, and when he catches his breath, Spock's looking back out at the crowd and away from him. They stand next to each other, and Jim blinks rapidly before looking up at Spock with an incredulous expression on his face.

"So you're grateful, then?" Jim says without any thought, and the words honestly just pour from his brain and straight out his mouth. He doesn't even realise he said them until Spock turns to stare at him, and his eyes are so wide that Jim can see himself reflected in them.

They stare at each other for a few moments and Jim's heart very much stops beating. He knows that it's the alcohol that made him say that and it's probably the alcohol that makes his hand reach up to touch Spock's cheek, because it's something Jim's always wanted to do. Jim wants to know if Spock's skin is as smooth in real life as it is in his dreams. Jim's finger brushes over Spock's cheekbone and Spock's skin is amazing to touch, and Jim feels himself instinctively leaning forward. Spock's eyelids flutter, and Jim pulls away and runs out of the ballroom.

He runs through the hallways, running past the people leaving the party who stare at him and he blazes past. He's shoes clap across the stone floor until he makes it outside and out into one of the parks that make up the edges of the Academy campus.

The night air fills his lungs as he gasps for breath, and he collapses on the ground, falling over into the grass. He knows the grass is going to leave stains on his shirt but he doesn't care, and he rips off his jacket and kicks off his shoes. He lies in the grass and closes his eyes, and when he opens them, all he can see are the stars.

They twinkle down at him and Jim stares at them until his heart calms down.

Jim doesn't know how long he lies there, breathing through his nose, his hands shaking as he still tries to regain a bit of his sense, before he hears footsteps crunching closer to him in the grass. He closes his eyes again, and when he opens them this time, Spock's figure is blocking out the stars.

Jim bites at the inside of his cheek and has no idea what to say. His hands are still shaking and Spock is silent, but the Vulcan sits down next to Jim on the grass.

It's like that night in the Observatory. Jim thinks about that night a lot, and when he looks up and over at Spock, he thinks that Spock does too. The slight breeze rustles Spock's hair and he glances down at Jim, his elbow resting right next to Jim's chest. They're so close again, and Jim's skin feels electric. When Spock shifts so he's facing Jim more, their arms brush and Jim bites his lip.

Spock's the first to break the silence. He cocks his head and stares down at Jim, searching for something in Jim's face, and says very softly, "You love me?"

Jim nods several times before saying, "Yes." His voice quavers and he clenches his hands in the grass, trying to shove away the nervousness that threatens to spill out of his body.

Spock breathes deeply and looks up at the stars. Jim wishes he'd look back at him so he could see Spock's eyes again, and he begins to reach out towards Spock again, pulling his hand back at the last second. Spock looks back down at Jim, and his eyes seem brighter. Emotion is all over his face, and his mouth quivers as he says, "I love you, Jim."

All the air in Jim's lungs escapes him and he sits up sharply. His head swims for a moment as he registers what Spock just said, and he gapes at Spock before he blurts out, "You love me?"

Spock looks at him and it makes Jim's heart flutter, the way Spock's eyes look over Jim's face, affectionately. "Yes." Spock says quietly, and Jim remembers that dream. It's exactly like the dream, he realises, and his hands won't stop _shaking_ as he brings them up to his face.

Jim laughs into the palms of his hands and he thinks he's crying because suddenly his cheeks are wet. It's like this giant weight has just been shoved off of his shoulders and breathing is so much easier now, because Spock _loves_ him. Once he stops shaking and laughing, he looks over at Spock who's actually smiling at him now, because that's _definitely_ Spock's version of a smile, the corners of his mouth turned up enough that Jim can see and his eyes _dancing_.

He reaches out towards Spock and touches his face again. He drags his fingers across Spock's jaw and then falters, asking, "Is this ok? I know you don't like-"

"Don't stop." Spock breathes, and Jim's heart does flip flops in his chest.

They sit like that for a little bit. Jim continues to run his hand over Spock's face, brushing over Spock's forehead and lingering on his mouth, which smiles even more when Jim breaks out into a grin. Spock hesitantly reaches out to grab Jim hand, and he pulls it away from his face. He presses their palms together, touching their fingertips, and Jim knows it means something from the buzz it sends up Jim's spine. Later, he'll ask Spock about it, and he breaks into another grin at the thought.

They lay down next to each other in the grass, turning to look back up at the stars, their fingers still entwined.

"Jim..." Spock begins softly, and it sends a trill of happiness through Jim to hear Spock calling him by his name, and not just Captain. "So I am to take it you meant me, during the chess game...?"

Jim laughs and sits up so that he's looking down at Spock. He brings his face down close to the Vulcan's and whispers, "Yes, I meant you."

Spock's eyes close as Jim presses their lips together, and as Jim breathes in, this is so much better than in his dreams.

Spock tastes like darkness, and beauty, and also something foreign that Jim craves to make known. He tastes like the books that lay across his room or how the chessboard smells when they pull it out in the evening, or even the Science lab and the exotic plants that are sprinkled across the room. As Spock deepens the kiss, curling his hand around the nape of Jim's neck and pulling him down, closer, Jim's filled with such intense bliss that the backs of his eyelids dance with stars.

They part and Jim settles back in next to Spock, touching their legs and shoulders together. He brushes the back of his hand against Spock and Spock's fingers move to rest on his wrist.

Jim's looking forward to kissing Spock for the rest of his life, and probably even more than that too. He closes his eyes and lets the darkness of the night envelop him, but as he lies there next to Spock, underneath the brilliant blanket of the stars, he couldn't be more at peace.

* * *

omg it's finished! Thank you guys so much for taking your time to read all this and honestly, I'm so, so thankful for everyone who's reviewed/alerted this because I'd grown so attached to this story over the year that I didn't think anyone else was going to like it. haha Sorry it took as long as it did, but hey! I hope you all had a good time reading it.

I'm going to take a break writing chaptered stuff for a little bit because I've got a handful of oneshot ideas (namely, Supernatural, which I gloriously discovered over break), so be on the lookout for those! I have drabble stuff to update soon as well...

Again, thanks guys! I love you all so much!


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